Children can be...somewhat of a challenge at times. Dontcha think? When given the opportunity, children are experts in one particular area. Power struggles. After working with children with all sorts of personalities, I've run into a few of these. That being said, I have picked up and learned several tips and tricks that tend to work across all personality types and wanted to share with you all!
Children have the upperhand when it comes to arguing for several reasons, but here are three main ones.
They keep their "eye on the prize"
They know how to put up a REAL good fight and their focus doesn't waver, whether it be gaining more time on the playground, chicken nuggets (not the pulled pork that took you five hours), or staying up late. They are masters of keeping their "eye on the prize."
They are EXTREMELY Persistence
They use whining, crying, arguing, kicking, hitting, screaming and worst of all...their cute little faces. Okay...the whole cute littleness could be a whole different tactic category, really.
They are Creative
They're also extremely creative in their thinking. For example, just yesterday I thought a child was hugging me. Nope. Turns out, he was distracting me and using me to support him while he reached for a toy I had purposefully placed behind me. Ummmm...who thinks of that?! Only a child. Same goes for the countless excuses for not going to bed that children come up with every night.
Summarized version: They know how to work us to complete exhaustion.
Us adults?
We don't have time for all of this nonsense. There are groceries to be bought, exploding laundry baskets and lawns to be mowed. Oh, and...work. The obstacles are endless. So, if we're not careful, we become impatient, overwhelmed by our exhaustion and eventually...we give up our power. Yes. Power. That's what we're giving up in the "power struggle."
Can I let you in on a little secret? A lot of times, we walk ourselves right into the boxing ring. I'm here to share a few tips I've learned while working with kids as well as ones that have been shared with me. I can't guarantee any one of these will work 100% of the time, but I can tell you that they are all game changers.
1. If it's not an option, don't give one. Period.
This is may be the toughest one on this list, so I'll start out with it right away so it can sink in. I still find myself digging out of this hole far too often than I'd like to admit, but progress over perfection...right???. So, here it is. Adults REALLY love to ask questions, however we pose questions often when there is only one acceptable answer. Therefore, when we get an unacceptable answer, like "no", a power struggle often unfolds.
Here are some examples of questions that we ask:
Ya ready to go?
Ya ready to get out of the bath?
How do sweet potatoes sound for dinner?
You want to go inside and play instead of outside?
Are you ready for bed?
You're going to stay with mom....okay?
Will you pick up your bedroom please?
These would all be great questions, if we actually wanted an answer. What can happen is that our child ends up answering with "no" and we aren't prepared for the battle ahead. This is where things go wrong.
One of the greatest tips given to me as a therapist was to only ask a question when I wanted an answer and practice giving statements. Again, this doesn't mean a child won't protest, but it helps us keep the "ball in our court," if you will.
Here are the examples again as statements.
It's time to go.
Time to get out of the bath.
We're having sweet potatoes for dinner!
You get the idea. ;) It takes practice, but once you've got it down, it's a game changer for sure.
2. Give Two STRATEGIC Options.
We all hear about how great it is to give options to our children...right? We're encouraged to do this to give them a sense of empowerment. It absolutely works. However, we must go about this strategically. So, when you give a child an option...have a goal in mind. I use this when I'm giving my kiddos time for something they enjoy, or, when I'm wanting them to get something done that may not be such a high priority for them like it is for me. I'll ask them,"How much time would you like to play? Three or five minutes?"
This is strategic, because five minutes is the most amount of time I want to give them. So, I give them a lesser amount to go with the highest amount I can offer, knowing they will want the most they can have and the child will choose the larger of the two 99.9% of the time. It's like someone asking you, "do you want three or five M&M's?" The answer is always going to be five.
Another example for you would be at a time when we need to work on something that requires coloring or writing. The option might be,
Would you like to use a crayon to do your coloring, or a marker?
Getting creative with your options is always fun.
Here are some more:
Should we tip toe to bed or bear crawl?
Would you like to pick up the trucks or the cars?
Are you feeling like strawberries or blueberries?
We need to do homework, are you going to start with reading or math first?
Once you practice this it becomes real quick and easy. I promise. ;)
3. When You Give Options...Stick to Them
This was a tip given to me at a professional development by a woman who had been a teacher and eventually an administrator in inner city schools. It is GOLD. They will become frustrated if they are really set on getting their way and you may get frustrated at times too, but stick to your word. If you don't, then you have given them an inch and they will absolutely take a mile.
Here's an example:
Adult: Johnny it's almost time to be done for the day, would you like five or seven minutes to play before we clean up?Johnny: I want eight minutes.
Adult: Eight is not an option, you may choose five or seven.
Johnny: But, I WANT eight!
Adult: You may choose five or seven.
Johnny: No....eight.
Adult: You may choose five or seven. If you don't choose, I will choose for you and I will choose five.
Johnny: Okay, fine seven. (Or, he may continue to protest for what he wants and at that point you choose. You gave the warning, he didn't make the choice and now it's time to move on.)
This has worked wonderfully for children of all ages (including middle school hehe).
4. Give Warnings
Warnings are a good thing for everyone, including children. I mean, consider this scenario.You're sitting down to do something you enjoy, or, something you want to take your time on and do right. Your husband or your boss comes in abruptly and says,"Time to clean up. Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!" You respond very annoyed and frazzled, "But I'm not finished with this. You didn't even tell me what time we were going!" Then they tell you, "We don't have time, we NEED to go now, so you'll have to finish it later." But to you, later means three weeks from now. Totally disrespectful.
Maybe this is alright with you, but for most people, it isn't appreciated. Same goes with children. If we give children warnings before it's time to clean up, or transition from one thing to another, it really shows respect for their need to mentally prepare just like we do. Using a timer can be really helpful if you're feeling like you'll forget to give warnings.
5. The Golden Words: First, Then
Again, these don't work all the time and they may not ever work for your child, but for most it can have a really big impact. Many therapists use these phrases when a child doesn't want to do something we ask and wants to do something else. It goes something like this, "First you need to eat your dinner, then you can have ice cream." I will use the entire phrase and if they fight me on this, then I will say it briefly. "First dinner, then ice cream." It gives them a game plan per say, so it really helps them know what's ahead.
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| A first-then visual with pictures works really well with children who have speech-language and/or behavioral difficulties. |
As I said before, I can make no promises that these will work for your child. One size, does not fit all when it comes to people and personalities. However, I definitely recommend playing around with these five strategies to see which ones work and which might not work. Using a few of them together may change some very difficult situations for you at home or in your classroom, so I definitely felt the need to share some tips and tricks with you!
Have tips of your own or just want to stop in and comment below? This blog is meant to be a resource collaborative, so please do share! :)
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